why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
