did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
