I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
