This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
