Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
