i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
