I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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