I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
