Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
