i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
This beer is not sobering me up at all
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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