My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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