everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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