I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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