Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
