Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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