What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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