"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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