The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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