i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
