Tell her she can't have a vagina
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
