Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize