These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
as a side note pls kill me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
