At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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