Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize