I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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