we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
