Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
