"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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