Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
