What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
