update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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