I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
