but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
