i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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