dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
