He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
