I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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