Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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