I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
