speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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