It's like God shit irony all over that family
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
