It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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