we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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