it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
