Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
