My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize