I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
