I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
