I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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