Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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