I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Pants are for mortals
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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