Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize