yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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