Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
