you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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