We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
