this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
