I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
