on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
