We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
