but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize