PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you had me at cake vodka
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
